Five Funny Things

 

Funny thing about being a contract copywriter is that I cannot write copy for anybody’s anything until I get my head emptied of all my old stale words. Some of those words have writemustfermented for weeks, sometimes months, and they are so comfortable being all up in there that they don’t want to leave. Sometimes they think I should daydrink and procrastinate until the last possible moment. Other times, they let me let them out. I’m glad today is the latter and not the former.

Funny thing about being an early adopter is that I get to watch my tribe and all the islanders come to grips with a world that I got to embrace almost 20 years ago. Medical care is not implied – if it isn’t profitable to stretch your death out beyond moral and ethical borders, then you don’t really get to live. Our politics were sold to the highest ridiculous and unbelievable bidder long ago and we get ringside seats to whatever historians will call this era. Every day we raise the bar on cruelty and we disconnect further from the consequences of our actions. There’s some funny business in that I get to be the Troop Leader into this new world where old realities are suspended but we’re going to need the strengths that our great-grandparents brought to the table. This stuff didn’t happen overnight, and while you were sleeping I built our fort and stocked it with all the verbs and nouns we’ll need. I hope you have good shoes.

gasgrrrlFunny thing about being a girl with a horrible pirate mouth that turns the air blue with fucking fuck fuckity fuck bombs, is that I know you’re hearing much more despicable stuff and it’s devalued the effectivity of my fucking vocabulary. It sickens me to imagine toddlers, just building vocabulary skills with their delicate little ears….  ever hearing the term “Grabbed her by the pussy.” That is some fucked up shit, there. Babies heard that, man. I know they did. My saying fuck is the least of our problems. There are horrific sentences being shared on nightly news.

(SIDEBAR) I can’t believe we’re squandering our words on such awful thoughts. What IF those were the very last words you got to say or the last thing you heard? What then? That would, literally, suck out loud. And, if you’re so offended by my tight little predictable vocabulary but aren’t at all sickened by what you’re being fed on the regular  — well, there’s no excuse for that and honestly, it makes me use the F-word more.

Funny thing about being a Pioneer is that I’ve learned to survive in ways you probably haven’t even had time to think of yet. I got to learn all about cancer and identity theft, crime scene clean ups, meth/crack/heroin addiction and domestic abuse as understood by metropolitan/state & federal laws so intimately that I now get to be a Tour Guide for the rest of you. Bam! Just like that I went from copywriter to Tour Guide.

You are SO going to love this ride. First we’re going to start getting rid of your stuff, mostly all of your stuff. You can take pictures of what you love and store it on a flash drive, and you do get to keep about 100 things. So, you got that going for you. If you can carry it, you can keep it.

niceshitThen in the middle of this purge we’re going to fill out your POA and DNR and put them in a safe place where all your loves can find them. In the extremely off-chance that your life collection tries to kill you, it’s best we all know how you want it to play out. This is a critically important part of the process because people are always leaving at inopportune times when their houses are a wreck. That overwhelming heartache then falls on whoever loved you the most and is a horrible parting gift. So, we get our shit together, first. (If you’re really lucky, I’ll teach you how to donate your body to science and avoid the expense of a funeral while advancing medicine.)

Funny thing about all these funny things is that this is the stuff that I have to store, externally and all – the hard drive called my brain gets sooooo very full-up.  I’m way more hopeful than I was before, and I believe I’ve seen the power of change. I’ve seen us work well together. One voice in the atmosphere doesn’t amount to much, but about 3 million is loud as fuck. We’re growing up nicely and these are curious times. I look forward to seeing how we all play this out, nicely, together. Get your houses in order, Pioneers. We got stuff to do and we have to stop burdening the next generation(s) with stuff and horrible sentences.

xomoe

 

 

 

New Study Proves: Cannabis Aids in Aging Gracefully

Hey kids. Leave your boots by the door and set your coats on the radiator – I made Butterballs. Maaaaaaaaaaan, I’ve been missing you. It’s superduper Wintery up here in the Cascade mountains of Oregon – just like it’s s’posta be because it’s Winter and all. The days are short and while my will to live is way-high, my will to change out of yoga pants and leave this house is remarkably low. I’m glad you came by so I don’t have to move. This is perfect.

My most productive hobby, of late, has been to find new and clever ways to get better performance out of a body that is pretty-much in full-on rebellion. Arched back, stomping heels into filthy linoleum, ear-piercing shriek of a physical hissy fit it is, and it often calls the shots.

SALVEcompMy body is furious with me and I’m cool with that, given the alternatives. There’s some old war wounds and some new working-too-much monkeys that proved to be great real estate for test-driving some of this $40 salve I was able to legally procure from my local dispenser.

The Bad Knee happened 40 years ago and never got put back together right so it’s some sweet bone-on-bone action up in there and usually just feels like a little pocket knife, not a big boning knife or anything, is jammed just up to the left of my kneecap. Sometimes it cripples, but duct tape, bracing and time fix it fine. The Salve (that I really can’t identify from the labeling and sorta wished they’d work with me on getting something a little more clear) was, for real – The Shiznit on that stabbing pain. It made me smile at my knee for, like, a whole 2 hours. Then it wanted more. I was also writing, not hustling through a station with gear or something, so I’ll know more when I’m back in orbit.

The Abdomen Alien is some seriously pissed-off old scar tissue from a couple things that tried to kill me. It is a bit more than a nuisance and I had my doubts, strongass doubts, that this salve could possibly do anything. It both did and did not disappoint – the old scars near the surface, did stop screaming for a bit. It didn’t do jack for the more serious pain BUT (and this is a big OL’HUGE BUT) I contend that a huge part of pain management can be found in chilling.the.fuck.out. I can’t see how a topical absorption of THC and CBD could be anything BUT good for chilling. Sooo…. who’s to say if I’m not crying less because my system is processing more cannabis. I dunno. I’m just an old white lady spinning words in a tower, looking for kindness, truth and a freakin’break from the alien in me belly.

The maybe I work-too-much monkeys that live on each shoulder are probably the most common ailment I hear the islanders talk about, and I can tell you: IF for no other reason than this alone: BUT THIS STUFF. Holy cow and yes please. I also generously shared with the soles of my feet before I tucked them into fat wool socks and I discovered that my usage of the word “Fuck” drop by 48% within the first hour.

With frequent reapplication, (including soles of feet and extending to my temples and forehead) I noticed that I no longer noticed and was in a way-better mood, writing shinier sentences … donating to kickstarters. Seriously. I think I recommend this stuff.

It did, for certain and without doubt, kick all kinds of ass on these old arthritic hands. That rocked. In fact, all the old broken bones responded well to this. Truthfully: I’m just kinda surprised at the outcome, I thought this rubbing it all over you thing was just kinda silly and excessive. Maybe not.

I’m lucky to have no shortage of both empirical and anecdotal data on this stuff and I’m more than happy to share. Next time we’ll talk about what I’ve seen in sexy-time cannabis; It’s gonna crack you all the way up what the kids are doing these days. Bring that bourbon your son gave you for Christmas, I’ll put out some flowers.

xomoe

 

 

 

Word Up from The Green Rush

Hey Ninjas! It’s been a minute cuz so very much has been happening (translate: I had to write for clients and shelve my crazy blogging aspirations ferra sec.) Aaahhh, but today – I might have found my most fave part of this little revolution and it’s so cute in it’s corrective leg braces and bottle-thick glasses. I’m calling it Just Cuz You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should.

Only because the Gods of fiction are smiling so generously on the words being shared, the wealth of bullshit to wade through every single day, leaves me speechless. What I find myself most grateful is that so much of this makes me laugh. If I were writing for SNL, they would SO pay me extra.

Based on the “Scientifically Backed” studies I read, Cannabis cures everything, makes you smarter, motivates you to get more things done, seriously supercharges your creativity, shuts down all your kill impulses and it probably means you are smarter, prettier and funnier than all your non-consuming buddies (assuming you have them.)

It’s just a kinda big deal that way.

ToKbeautyOne of my first days in Washington, I was essentially kidnapped by a madwoman who saw a photo of me with a paintbrush on facebook and needed me to provide all her business signage in the 3 remaining hours before she frantically and hysterically opened her new deep-fried tofu stand.

It was a subversive plot, in retrospect, but I’m glad to have been woken from a sound slumber like my bed was on fire, before I had the sense to back out. I grabbed the two brushes I had brought with me and ran towards the biggest, tallest SUV I’d ever seen in my life – Black with deeply tinted black windows. I kinda went all NCIS with the vibe and jumped in the front seat.

Like a freakin’pixiesprite, this lil’ firecracker of a madwoman throws herself up and behind the wheel, buckles her belt behind her and pulls out a 2′ bong. Yea. For real. We’re IN A CAR and she whips out a bong the size of saxophone.

Welllllllllllllll, cool beans… that’s what I thought to myself. I fought the urge to say out loud, “I’m so SO not in Kansas anymore.”DAB

She then pulls out a neatly rolled bath towel, stashed beneath her seat, and a propane torch. I shit.you.not. Propane.TORCH. IN the car. She spreads the towel across her lap, fishes a wad of something that we’re apparently going to smoke (IN.THE.CAR!!!) and never misses a beat in the extra-loud story she is telling about her evil nefarious neighbors who trimmed her chicken’s hair WITHOUT.HER.PERMISSION!

The rest of the story is pretty fabulous, but the moral (like SO SO many others in the industry) is that you don’t HAVE to test limits so boldly. If you can’t go some number of minutes without smoking dabs (a cannabis byproduct that is magically delicious and super cool in a whole bunch of ways that DON’T involve driving around tricky mountain passes with a freakin’lit torch in the car) MAYBE, just maybe you should sit back and consider the path you’ve chosen.

Today’s nug of wisdom: Don’t Dab and go.

Hunker in. Stay put. Build a fort and dab, but no dabbing and driving.

xomoe

 

 

Dear Kansas: Wanna Get High? Bring Cash. Love, Colorado

Dear Kansas,

I can’t tell you how much I wish you were here!

The creeks are all huge with runoff and the sun is on vacation.
The creeks are all huge with runoff and the sun is on vacation.

While it’s still mostly Winter, it’s only mostly Winter, like mostly dead, it’s not that bad. Some of the flowers are blooming, the birds are ready to party and it smells like the perfect combination of Christmas tree farm and freshly tilled garden soil. It’s every bit as incredible as you remember. In fact, if you can get away – come over! I’ve found some truly sweet spots to show you.

Short of that, you gotta know: Now would be the ideal time to check out what Colorado is doing with all this legal weed. FOR.real. I thought I knew more than I did and feel like I can make some things easier for you. I share because I’m hopeful that you won’t handle this the same way you did that whole Prohibition thing. That was embarrassing for all of us and I wasn’t even born yet.

If you’re not familiar with the whole history of weed and have the patience of a saint with burning all-night kinda curiosity, check out this piece. I think it’s fairly legit, but I believe nothing, so the diligence is on you. I think we’ve talked about this, so I know that you know and I trust your ability to think critically.

I’ll try to tell you all the good stuff… I’ll Try mightily to not talk too much.

GOING TO THE WEED SHOP (or Rec Store, depending on who you ask)

I felt dorky and awkward and saw people in suits and soccer moms and hippies and skater punks. It was all good, I didn’t look like it was my first time.

There was a security guard standing in the parking lot and the adjacent 7-11 is fat with signs that threaten to tow cars within nanoseconds if the drivers dare park there to shop weed. Seemed kinda intense and we hadn’t even gone in yet. It kinda looked like a renovated gas station with crazy locking doors installed indoors to keep people in and out of protected areas.

Business is brisk from open to close and all exchanges are done in cash, just like the last 40 years in America, but the business model is clinical and way more impersonal than going to see your buddy a couple blocks over. I’ve been told there is most often a line that wraps around the outside of the buildings, but that wasn’t the case when I was there.

This one had a big entry with a counter along the wall and two certified weed workers (you have to be registered to work in the industry, apparently. Cost $150) standing at ASUS laptops, next to a kinda gigantic ATM. Made me wonder what they charged for transaction fees and how happy they were with those laptops and if they got insurance and how they were paid.

Once they’ve put your driver’s license information into their system, you sit for a couple minutes on the benches that line the room. When the Clipboard Person comes through a door and calls your name, you go through a different set of locking doors to sit on another long bench facing a bunch of doors with all kinds of signs about what to do and what not to do, on them. Before too terribly long, a person comes through the door and calls your name and points you to one of the doors and says “Go in there and have your ID in your hand.”

Our Weed Concierge (That was not his formal title, but that’s what he did) was one of those quintessential young Colorado men with chiseled features and a flavor of handsome that speaks to good breeding and life outdoors. He had the enthusiasm of a cheer-leader and had either memorized his patter, or he truly had done his research and spoke from truth. Regardless, he was more than able to field all the questions and he was a treat to work with.

This is one purchase that averaged out to exactly more than expected.
This is one purchase that averaged out to exactly more than expected.

Sativa or Indica? (I have a preference, but wondered what the company line was on this) He recommended Indica for 1) Creativity 2) Pain Relief and 3) Focus

How much are lollipops? $5/each

gummibears? $38/package

chocolate bars? $22/$35

weed? $55/ish for an eighth PLUS tax. If you’ve got an out-of-state driver’s license, your tax is going to be way higher, CO residents are taxed less and Medical Card carriers are taxed even less. Maybe way less, like none. Regardless, if you’re coming all the way here from KS, with cash – bring more than you think you need. (Colorado will gladly relieve you of all that extra cash and turn it into smarter kids, or something.)

What’s the difference between Medical and Recreational: 1) Medical is typically stronger 2) You have to have a card to get Medical (that involved a whole’nother cattle call and some days of patience, supposedly, wherein you go see a recommended physician who DOES NOT give you a prescription for weed, but a note that says something about something and the quality of your life improving. Essentially.) The important parts are right in that sentence.

When you decide what you want, he uses a walkie-talkie to tell the workers in the weed packaging room to be looking for you. You wind through some skinny places to a door with a waist-high window that looks pretty Shawshank Hollywoody, and some mysterious hands reach through the opening with your order. I think there was a one-way mirror involved and lots of cameras. Then you’re in a darker room with another counter and 3 more workers, checking people out at a pretty good clip, on Mac Books. These people had some crazy.good.gear.

In retrospect, I wished I’d asked more about the grow practices because I suspect that, like food, it won’t be long until Monsanto becomes a buzz kill in the mix. I could be wrong and didn’t ask, so I can’t say for sure, but I know the locals say they trust only themselves and can legally keep 2 plants going to meet their needs for about $20/month after the $500 initial set-up.

There are about a bazillion more slices to this pie, that I am way too curious about, so I’ll write again soon. Remind me to tell you about the mountains of cash. No. FOR real. Mountains.of.cash. Cash that can’t be put in an FDIC insured bank. Yea. Think about it. This is a trip! There is SO much to tell you.

I love you and miss you and hope you’re eating out at local restaurants, buying locally made art and no longer changing in phone booths. That was always kinda awkward for me.

Xomoe

PS: If you find my shoes, just give them to Bobby or CeeCee. Xoxo

In the Interest of Full Disclosure: 3 Things

EARTHcrewMy curiosity has been piqued by this movement of reasonable thought and meaningful lifestyle choices I’ve seen creeping across America on silent little cat paws. I think there is a pretty solid chance that we are at the front end of a revolution. Historically, I suspect it may be called The Digital Revolution, but I don’t want to be so presumptuous as to think that this time is any bigger than what has come before. Still, I believe this could be the third biggie. We had fire, the Guggenheim press and now this. I dunno, I could be wrong but….. I’m not. for real.

One of my favorite components of this revolution is that we the people have access to information and, more importantly, to each other like we have never had before. We are able to gather (smarts AND friends) more efficiently and weed through the never-ending sea of ideas and connections in much shorter order. This magic combined with what appears to be a collective consciousness geared towards big change has made for some unconventional opportunities for a grown-up living a non-traditional life and a mobile skill set.

I’m taking the adventure to Alaska because I am curious, but I also want to document what I find out along the way. So I think it’s only fair at the front-end, before we all book passage, that you get to choose to come along or bail out.

THREE THINGS I HAVE TO CHECK INTO

ONE: Human Connection. How has the Digital Revolution shaped our cultural and personal landscapes? I am willing to go see as many people as I can to thank them for being my friend, basically. If it weren’t for facebook and the other arms of social media, none of this would be possible. I know how my life has changed and I am hungry to hear the similar stories that are growing more frequent and unbelievable all the time.

TWO: I have always been an open advocate for the reform of marijuana laws and legislation in America, and I have wished for a sudden halt to spending more time and money on the War on Drugs. I have 35 years invested in gathering information (and anecdotal evidence) and I research for a living. I have become reasonably well-informed on geographical, cultural, societal, psychological, personal, medical, political and professional considerations as they relate to the marijuana movement. Seems like a shame to waste that education and those stories.

THREE: Taming The beast known as worldly comforts and finding a way to exercise self-resiliency with grace and literal pioneer-ninja strength. I will carry what I own and plot a course to the west. I will travel primarily by train, document it because that’s what I do and not do so in a high-risk way. I have taught myself to be a smart digital traveler and have few needs beyond human connection and the need to sate a badass case of curiosity. I’m choosing a road way WAY less traveled and breaking it down to 100 things that weigh 100 pounds. I will not allow my well-bring to be hinged on stuff that can be lost. I’m on a quest to share moments that can’t ever be recreated.

I’m inviting you to come along. If everybody gave a buck or something there would be all this investment on your part. I know you’re curious but you’re not in a position to head west – I am. Come with. It’ll rock and I’ll show you everything. Please and thank you.

Go here to be all philanthropic and feel like you’ve got a part in this crazy adventure: CLICK HERE PLEASE

xomoe

PS: Some of the places we have been before can be found on youtube or twitter or facebook. Check it.