Five Funny Things

 

Funny thing about being a contract copywriter is that I cannot write copy for anybody’s anything until I get my head emptied of all my old stale words. Some of those words have writemustfermented for weeks, sometimes months, and they are so comfortable being all up in there that they don’t want to leave. Sometimes they think I should daydrink and procrastinate until the last possible moment. Other times, they let me let them out. I’m glad today is the latter and not the former.

Funny thing about being an early adopter is that I get to watch my tribe and all the islanders come to grips with a world that I got to embrace almost 20 years ago. Medical care is not implied – if it isn’t profitable to stretch your death out beyond moral and ethical borders, then you don’t really get to live. Our politics were sold to the highest ridiculous and unbelievable bidder long ago and we get ringside seats to whatever historians will call this era. Every day we raise the bar on cruelty and we disconnect further from the consequences of our actions. There’s some funny business in that I get to be the Troop Leader into this new world where old realities are suspended but we’re going to need the strengths that our great-grandparents brought to the table. This stuff didn’t happen overnight, and while you were sleeping I built our fort and stocked it with all the verbs and nouns we’ll need. I hope you have good shoes.

gasgrrrlFunny thing about being a girl with a horrible pirate mouth that turns the air blue with fucking fuck fuckity fuck bombs, is that I know you’re hearing much more despicable stuff and it’s devalued the effectivity of my fucking vocabulary. It sickens me to imagine toddlers, just building vocabulary skills with their delicate little ears….  ever hearing the term “Grabbed her by the pussy.” That is some fucked up shit, there. Babies heard that, man. I know they did. My saying fuck is the least of our problems. There are horrific sentences being shared on nightly news.

(SIDEBAR) I can’t believe we’re squandering our words on such awful thoughts. What IF those were the very last words you got to say or the last thing you heard? What then? That would, literally, suck out loud. And, if you’re so offended by my tight little predictable vocabulary but aren’t at all sickened by what you’re being fed on the regular  — well, there’s no excuse for that and honestly, it makes me use the F-word more.

Funny thing about being a Pioneer is that I’ve learned to survive in ways you probably haven’t even had time to think of yet. I got to learn all about cancer and identity theft, crime scene clean ups, meth/crack/heroin addiction and domestic abuse as understood by metropolitan/state & federal laws so intimately that I now get to be a Tour Guide for the rest of you. Bam! Just like that I went from copywriter to Tour Guide.

You are SO going to love this ride. First we’re going to start getting rid of your stuff, mostly all of your stuff. You can take pictures of what you love and store it on a flash drive, and you do get to keep about 100 things. So, you got that going for you. If you can carry it, you can keep it.

niceshitThen in the middle of this purge we’re going to fill out your POA and DNR and put them in a safe place where all your loves can find them. In the extremely off-chance that your life collection tries to kill you, it’s best we all know how you want it to play out. This is a critically important part of the process because people are always leaving at inopportune times when their houses are a wreck. That overwhelming heartache then falls on whoever loved you the most and is a horrible parting gift. So, we get our shit together, first. (If you’re really lucky, I’ll teach you how to donate your body to science and avoid the expense of a funeral while advancing medicine.)

Funny thing about all these funny things is that this is the stuff that I have to store, externally and all – the hard drive called my brain gets sooooo very full-up.  I’m way more hopeful than I was before, and I believe I’ve seen the power of change. I’ve seen us work well together. One voice in the atmosphere doesn’t amount to much, but about 3 million is loud as fuck. We’re growing up nicely and these are curious times. I look forward to seeing how we all play this out, nicely, together. Get your houses in order, Pioneers. We got stuff to do and we have to stop burdening the next generation(s) with stuff and horrible sentences.

xomoe

 

 

 

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